By Fred W Mutibwa
The FDC Deputy CAO has in the following opinion pieces satirically expressed his views on the rampant corruption scandals that have lately been witnessed in Uganda. Entitled “PYTHON SWALLOWS 5 BAGS OF MONEY AT ENTEBBE Airport – SHS. 90BILLION DISAPPEAR IN ITS STOMACH,” the FDC man’s article goes as follows:
Snakes – pythons do have stomach of course!
On June 3rd 2019, Kenyan based Standard Newspaper ran a story about a Nigerian state official Philomena Chieshe, an accountant with the state-run exams body who claimed 10 Million Naira had been ‘eaten’ by a snake. Did the standard news agency even know that a somewhat similar though a little bit peculiar miracle would happen in the Banana neighborhood?!
Uganda being a Prayerful Country of ‘big things’ where Termites Eat Iron Bars, recently God made one of the biggest miracles in the 21st Century happen. A Python swallowed 5 Bags of Money, each containing 18 Billion Shillings, totaling up to 90 Billion Shillings at Entebbe Airport.
Key witnesses to this Testimony include Bank of Uganda officials who saw the 5 consignments on arrival but never saw it again upon alighting from the plane; Uganda Revenue Authority that was at the scene as it usually takes full charge of all cargo in and out of the Country, the External Security Organization, the Internal Security Organization, UPDF, SFC, State House officials among others.
Unfortunately for the usual doubting Thomases, nobody could access the Miracle Center scene since it’s always a highly guarded and protected area. Word spread like a bush fire, of how, when, why and where the miracle happened.
The second bit of this miracle was a little confusing since the authentic story tellers who witnessed the miracle happen contradicted themselves. As indicated earlier, the first person to report about the occurrence of the Miracle was Bank of Uganda governor Prof. Emmanuel Tumusiime Mutebile. A serious episode ensued, featuring the recently appointed Chief guide to Miracles, Maj. Edith Nakalema who stormed one of the Prayer Palaces in the City Center (Bank of Uganda), arrested 6 of the presumed miracle workers; the largely suspected ‘Banyampi’ in the Tamale Mirundi speech.
On government’s attempt at making official statements about the miracles, the ‘Holy Ghost’ immediately played the role of what happened during the construction of the tower of Babylon by making the official government Spokesperson Mr. Ofwono Opondo and the official Police Spokesperson, CP Fred Enanga speak in tongues.
CP Enanga first confirmed the news about a Python eating 90 Billion and affirmed that Police had started investigations into the serial numbers of the eaten money such that it doesn’t surface in public especially if bad-hearted people find the python and cut its stomach to get out the money. In retaliation, the government spokesperson Ofwono Opondo said there was nothing like such a miracle happening in the 21st century. That no money was eaten but they only learnt of some consignments brought on a chartered cargo plane that disappeared at Entebbe Airport and they were still investigating. He affirmed that the cargo that disappeared was not money but other ‘classified’ items unnamed that belonged to business moguls Charles Mbiire, Mandela, USAID and some UN agencies.
Of course, it’s disturbing how a top security charted plane by a credible global and logistics company like Kuehne+Nagel International AG could make mistakes of carrying other unauthorized ‘classified’ items/cargo pallets.
In fact, Mr. Opondo seemed to suggest that Enanga ought to be sacked with immediate effect for letting the cat out of the bag. The state of confusion in Uganda is as confusing as today’s miracles. The way miracles happen and why they happen is not any similar to the biblical teachings.
From the start, we saw a whistle blower (Bank of Uganda) raising concerns over making an order to print UGX 342 Billion by a French currency minter, Oberthur Fiduciaire, which delivered more than the order prescribed with the extra not being delivered to Bank of Uganda, and thus miraculously disappearing either into Lake Victoria or a Python devoured it and ran into a bush headed to State House Entebbe.
Of course, being the inflation and theft burden shoulder, Governor Mutebile called in at the Anti-Corruption Unit to investigate the whereabouts of the 90 Extra Billions delivered at Entebbe Airport but not handed over to Bank of Uganda, even after Bank of Uganda staff discovered the anomaly.
It is either that Governor Mutebile was well briefed or deliberately did it to expose the real ‘banyampi’ hidden somewhere in government agencies. It was a “Games People Play” kind of movie. The Agency he called in was most likely to be part of the Cartel, since all fingers pointed at it to be the final destination of the 90 Billion. It’s only normal to understand that the raid at Bank of Uganda was a pathetic cover up for the sinister things done and a continuous tainting of an already wrecked Central Bank. No wonder the story was already forgotten courtesy of the sensational media houses, personalities and gullible Ugandans who swing with the direction of wind.
In Uganda today, mafiaism has grown on a sky rocket speed that somebody steals from you, and you run to them to report the case expecting solutions or at least to get left overs. So, an indispensable will steal your land, then sets up for you a land commission to receive your complaint, but of course this time dressed in a white cassock or Wigs to give Judgment. No wonder Ugandans have now started shaming them in the courts of judicature. If you have deference in opinion, Junior Minister Anite Evelyn will give you a full press briefing on how Mafias operate; they fear no ‘Majje’.
Economically, Uganda has been fully messed up by obviously bigger scandals. Money self-printing have been happening, one only gets perplexed as to why they are raising a red flag this time round on only 90 Billion. If it’s not for printing, where does Museveni get all the money he splashes during campaigns where he spends not less than 2 trillion shillings? On Saturday 17th August, one of Museveni kids Rosette Barungi married Kenyan Regional Director of Betin William Mugambi in Nairobi and Gen Muhozi as Chief Guest donated 60Millon Kenya Shillings equivalent to 1.8 billion Uganda shillings in addition to 20 Acres of land in the Prime areas of Kampala. If you aren’t a miracle worker in the Uganda of today, isn’t that a mere dream?
Apparently, the Chief who decides on which Miracle happens where is running campaigns for 2021. He recently concluded his countrywide tours code named Wealth Creation Tours that has seen him traverse the Country. He needs this Money more than ever before such that he can sustain ‘rain’ in People’s pockets. Wherever he goes to perform miracles, one of the greatest discoveries he has seen by himself is the daring dry spell that has drained and seriously hit the pockets of his subjects in the last 33 years. As a ‘god’ who has been ordering things like “Boona Basome, Boona Bagagawale, Boona Balonde nze omu (let them all vote for me)” among others, he has a soul responsibility of ensuring that some drizzles can reach the pockets of the ‘wanainchi’.
For Museveni to sustain his abnormal expenditure he has to find for all alternatives of getting money. One of such easy methods is to mint for self.
As indicated before, with a ‘good’ Media devoid of investigative journalism anymore and now highly dependent on social media, combined with a gullible and lackadaisical population, he can always walk away with any scandal just like he recently did with the corruption scam where he was implicated with Chinese National Patrick Ho and Permanent Minister of Internal affairs, Sam Kuteesa in the United States Court for bribery of $500,000. The 90 billion money laundering scheme at Entebbe Airport has since been successfully forgotten by everyone, the thieves inclusive. The author Fred W Mutibwa is the Deputy Chief Administrative Officer at Forum For Democratic Change headquarters and can be reached at 0754590008.